Tuesday, 22 December 2009

What I found out today. o1o9

Today I found out about discontent.
Mostly about things that makes us unhappy or gets on our nerves or makes us simply furious.
It got me thinking -- why?!

How come things that shouldn't worry us still do?!

How come even though sometimes you understand reasons you still have that unsettling feeling in your tummy and keep wondering and puzzling it in your mind?!
Is it the situation, is it the people in it, or, which I believe stroke me as the most probable answer, it's the little wounds within ourselves, all those little and sometimes bigger than little ghosts that we keep hiding even from ourselves.

The less you try fixing what's not broken and simply understanding why do you feel like you need to fix it, the more happy you end up feeling I suppose.

Today I also found out something very true about the truth:
"The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off"
~ Gloria Steinem

Thursday, 17 December 2009

What I found out today. o1o8

You know how you wake up in a dream and yet you are still asleep?

That's the feeling I get around Christmas time.
It's waking up waking up waking up in a dream. Again and again. It's a little bit of a lonesome feeling yet nonetheless exciting and full of glittering sparkles. Especially when you wake up to this white noise that leaves the city white.
The I wonder about snowflakes and Smilla's sense of snow.

The number system is like human life. First you have the natural numbers. The ones that are whole and positive. Like the numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands. The child discovers longing. Do you know the mathematical expression for longing? The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you're missing something.

"Empty your mind, be formless.
Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Be water my friend."
~ Bruce Lee

Monday, 14 December 2009

What I found out today. o1o7

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I am secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,

within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game;
that the waters are calm and I am in command,
and that I need no one.

But don't believe me, please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing
'Neath this lies no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind;
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.

My only salvation. And I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love.
It is the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I am worth something.
But, I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I am afraid to.
I am afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I am afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh at me,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate game,
with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that is really nothing,
and nothing of what is everything,

of what is crying within me;
So when I am going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.
What I would like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say, but I can't say.
I dislike hiding, Honestly!
I dislike the superficial game I am playing, the phony game.
I would really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me,
but you have got to help me. You have got to hold out your hand,
even when that is the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes that blank stare of breathing death.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you try to understand and because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to.

Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall
behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my shadowworld of panic and uncertainty;
From my lonely person.

Do not pass me by.
Please... do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you;
a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that
love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands,
but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
Jill Zevallos-Solak, 1974

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

What I found out today. o1o6

"essentially a worship of the Imperfect, as it is a tender attempt to accomplish something possible in this impossible thing we know as life...it is moral geometry, inasmuch as it defines our sense of proportion to the universe."

~ Kakuzo Okakura, The Book of Tea

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

What I found out today. o1o5

Things like that always remind me of art school times -- it's all about managing to maintain the right perspective on things.

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."